Monday, March 19, 2007

A promise long overdue...

More than a year ago, I was inspired to finally recognize and thank one of the two most important people to my life, my dad. (if you're not familiar with the back trails of my twisted meanderings, you can find that post here At the time, I fully intended to very shortly make a similar tribute to the OTHER most important person to my life, my mom. Those of you who've been with us since the beginning will know that that intention was never carried out, never reached fruition.

Now it just so happens that I came across this entry again a few days ago, and gave some serious thought to why exactlyI hadn't follwed through. It wasn't that there was a lack of instances where my mother supported me in a way that was remarkable. I'd love to say that the problem was that there were TOO MANY such instances, and I just couldn't think of one to focus on, and that would be true, as far as it goes. But the truth of the matter is that my tribute to Dad was simply a spur of the moment thing, something I thought of while I was typing, tired out of my mind, and trying to get out a coherent post that meant something. I hadn't put any thought into it (the post, not the sentiment), and so it came out with a kind of heartfelt sincerity that I found hard to duplicate. A lot of the time, the undertone in my rambling writings is one of "Hey, look at me, I know big words!!" rather than one that can be taken seriously. And for the next few weeks, whenever I tried to come up with a suitable tribute, I always felt it rang somehow hollow. At least, that's what I think I remember, it WAS a year and a half ago.

But at last, here it is. A suitable tribute to a woman who sacrificed more happiness, and worked longer hours, and suffered too many heartbreaks to never hear(or at least read) from her only son that he FINALLY understands, and is totally appreciative of all the things she did for him, all the times she stood between him and danger like a mother wolf, all those meals she slaved away over just to hear him complain that he didn't like tomatoes, and so she was forced to make him sit in the kitchen, loudly complaining that he wouldn't do it, just so he'd eat the food she'd so lovingly prepared.

Mom? I love you. Never for a moment doubt it. I can't wait to move back home where you can nag and pester me about anything you like, in person, and I wouldn't trade that for all the gold in all the kingdoms in all the world. You are the single greatest embodiment of the spirit of love I have ever known, and I KNOW, despite the jokes (you make, not me) that you'll be around to keep me on my toes for the next 40 years, if I have to drag you kicking and screaming with me.

Never change.


P.S. It would figure that the night I finally get around to writing this, my internet connection goes right down the tubes ('cause that's what the internet's made of, don't you know), and I have to wait to post this until I have a durned internet connection again. I think it's the cold. I'm really starting to get sick of this Edmonton weather, I think. My feet haven't been warm in a week 8( I'm finishing this at 2:26 in the morning, on Monday, March 19, 2007, I guess we'll see when it gets posted...

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

To move, or NOT to move, that is the question...

Well, it's certainly been a long time since I've posted anything here. So long, in fact, that I didn't even remember what my password was for this site, and then it turned out I needed to "upgrade my account so that I can now access blogger through google. All that complication just so I can spread my idiotic concerns all over the internet (well, my corner of it, anyway...)

I wanna go home. I can't explain how much I long to be able to see the ocean whenever I feel like it, or go visit my parents whenever, or see one of my oldest friends and just hang with him with no concern as to when the next time I'll see him will be. The only problem is this: I have a life here.
I have friends, in fact, my best friend in the whole world, and maybe ever, I met here. He lives here. Most of my major life experiences happened here, both good and bad. But the weather here sucks for about 65% of the damn year, whereas back home it's pretty nice most of the time. But this place has BEEN home to me for almost 1/5 my entire life, I know this city fairly well now, and I like the person I've become here, for the most part. I like the people I know here.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm conflicted. I miss all the familiar sights, sounds, and people back home, but I think if I were to leave here I'd miss the people HERE just as much. I can't decide whether I'm willing to sacrifice all this for the chance to go home, finally. And I don't really have that long to decide. I'm leaning heavily toward moving back to Victoria, giving it some serious weight, but nights like tonight, when I hang out with Mitch, I wonder if that's the right choice. Will I really be any better off there than I am here? What if I'm worse off?

I hate "what if"s.


Wednesday, August 09, 2006

A little late, but...

In the further news from Brian's life, I FINALLY heard back from the student finance people, and I got approval for my student loan!!! The hurdles are nearly all over, and all that's left is the music aptitude test that I'll ace on the first day of school.

Going to school has really become the driving force in my life at the moment, and damned if I'm not super excited to get back into the world of musical theatre, which I turned my back on, by necessity(I thought), shortly after high school.

In other, less exciting(ish) news, my love life may finally be coming back to the upswing. After a VERY long dry spell, I've got a couple of dates with a couple of different girls in the next few weeks, an occurence so rare that I hesitate to mention any more about it for fear of jinxing it. Maybe I'll put more on later, after the dates, and tell you how they go, but for now, let's preserve a little mystery, hmmmm?

And that brings to a close my brief update on my life, except to say that due to financial concerns, I have been forced to cancel my internet subscription, so updates will have to happen whenever I have the time and privacy to do them at work, which I make no promises about.

So, I guess I'll see ya when I see ya....

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Ok, ok, I'm back already!!!!! But for how long?

My dad makes a good point, that it's been a LONG bloody while since I've posted anything in this hallowed space. But I have an excellent reason, which I will now expose to all the millions of you who have been waiting with baited breath for my words to grace this page again. Here goes:

Ok, you think those guys are gone now? Good. The real reason I haven't posted anything in here is that I've just been un-inspired by the whole blogging process. My petty thoughts and... well... ponderingses, I guess, just didn't seem important enough to keep writing them. And in addition to that, I always have my best thoughts about as far from a computer as is humanly possible without leaving the planet, so you can see how I would get frustrated.

I've been thinking of some way to better use this space, but I can't seem to. As it turns out I'm just not the journalling type. I just don't see the point. Perhaps I should start with something easy, and just say I'll post once a week synopsises(? synopsi? synopsees?) That seems achievable. So here's the deal: rather than try to catch you up on the events of my life since April, or whenever the last time I wrote something, let's just start fresh, again, right here. I'm going to try to post here more often, but no less than once a week, and hopefully, I'll start to see some good from it. Sound good to everyone?

Hey, wait, I thought you'd all left!! You were hiding behind that tree?? All million of you???


See ya when I see ya!

Saturday, April 15, 2006


Your Seduction Style: The Charmer

You're a master at intimate conversation and verbal enticement.

You seduce with words, by getting people to open up to you.

By establishing this deep connection quickly, people feel under your power.

And then you've got them exactly where you want them!

Your Birthdate: October 7

You are an island. You don't need anyone else to make you happy.
And though you see yourself as a loner, people are drawn to you.
Deep and sensitive, you tend to impress others with your insights.
You also tend to be psychic - so listen to that inner voice!

Your strength: Your self sufficiency

Your weakness: You despise authority

Your power color: Maroon

Your power symbol: Hammer

Your power month: July

Sunday, April 09, 2006

Well, that had fiasco written all over it...

Today was both good and bad. But in this space, right now, I'm going to write about the bad:

I talked to my little sister about us perhaps living together at some point in the future. I laid out the idea, then asked for her honest opinion. Her honest opinion was, in no uncertain terms, no. Now, maybe it's because I've just spent the last 2 years being rejected from jobs, relationships, or houses, or maybe it's that I was just, very nicely, kicked out of the place I've called home for the past year and a half, but this hurt. Alot more then I'd expected, given that I was just throwing the idea out there as a hypothetical. And I didn't deal very well.
Well, I take that back. I dealt fairly well, but the situation did not improve, until we both felt the need to just call the whole conversation off, in sort of a hurry. What bothers me all the more is that I'm pretty sure my other sister was sitting right there next to her, agreeing with every word she typed. Or at least, I think that was what was going on, given the long pauses which I think were for consultation. I thought they'd at least be amenable to the idea of the 3 of us living together, but apparently the 2 of them can be best friends, and I get to be the odd one out. Again.
Welcome to the Brian's pity party, table of one.
Why is it that in any grouping of 3 people, I can always seem to find a way to be excluded? It happens in conversations, it happens when working alongside 2 other people, it happens to me everywhere I go. And yet, I can't seem to grasp this rule of three, so I continue to try vainly to join these triumvirates, in the hopes that one day, some way, it'll work out. Well, it seems the only triumvirate I've ever had any right to be a part of has turned its back on me. Maybe I should just give up on the whole idea, and become a hermit. No contact with the outside world without 3 layers of alias, and only via the internet. Internet grocery shopping, internet gaming, and a job that lets me work from home, on my computer.
Dreaming in technicolor, huh?

G'night for now.

Sunday, March 26, 2006

I miss my Mommy... : ,(

Stagnant. Aimless. Adrift. All the words that come to mind when I think about my life. All the feelings that leave me exhausted after a day of doing sweet fuck all. What am I doing with my life? Where am I going? What is it that I'm missing to make me happy? Why can't I seem to find it? And why is it that all I want right now is for my Mom to give me a big hug, and tell me that everything is gonna be alright? I'm not really responsible to anyone or anything. I don't have any real connections, beyond friendships, that press on me. Am I in the wrong place? Am I at the wrong time? What's wrong with me?

I'm sitting here in a room full of things I've aquired through hard work and, admittedly, some not so hard work. And yet, I feel almost completely devoid of fulfillment. I'm lonely. An ironic statement to make, considering I just got home not an hour ago from watching movies with a friend, but true. I'm lonely. Everyone has someone. And I don't think that I have no one. I don't think it, I just feel like it. I know better. I have a family that loves me, and friends too. But somehow, in the middle of it all, I feel alone. This room is empty of of anyone's presence but mine, while the rest of this house is empty of my presence. And that galls me. I'm a bit player in my own life. They say there are no small parts, just small actors. I guess in the story of my life, I'm a small actor.